The Blackhole Project: The Day When I Felt Like I’m Running on a Circle

It’s the same pattern, same story, and same nightmare over and over again.

I once saw a quote that humans never learn. I didn’t find any scientific proof or logical reasoning behind such quotes. However, today I felt intense deja vu to the point that my body feels like it’s been sitting there for ages, without moving an inch.

My first job was exhausting. I was juggling between multiple job scopes, ranging from what I can do to the ones that are completely out of my expertise. My second job was no different. I was doing graphic design, marketing strategy, as well as building the company’s website. A “series of tasks” that is supposed to require at least three people to get done. But nevertheless, I finished all of them.

And now, I am sitting in front of the same laptop that I haven’t changed or repaired since 2017. I am doing multiple unrelated tasks with little to no recognition for my effort. Plus, accounting is not one of my strengths. I have recognized ever since I was a kid that I’m not a science-and-math type of person. My weakness lies exactly in jobs that require extra attention to detail. I suck at details.

So when I’m doing my maximum effort, the result is still average. Think about it like when you try to climb a very rocky mountain. A person without a complete set of climbing gear will not definitely reach the summit in the predicted time. That’s me when I’m doing sh*t that I’m naturally not good at. No matter how hard try, the result will not compare to those who are naturally good at it.

And because my results are average, I’m told that I suck at this job even though the person who hired me knew I suck from the very beginning. They set me up for failure, didn’t place me where I can use my strengths and creative skills, then blamed me for being a failure.

I felt like my time is being so wasted. I am running in circles, dwelling from expectation to expectation, clients to clients, bosses to bosses. I am expected to submit from one authority figure to another. Then I hear another nagging, complaining, and “reviews” on how I just can’t do my job right, or how I just can’t pay attention to details.

I was confused, but now I understand. I should’ve found a job that at least gives me appreciation in form of extra payment. At least they’re paying me for my effort, not for what I'm supposed to do.

I have a list of weaknesses, but I also have strengths like everyone else. Today, I felt like everyone put too much spotlight on my weakness. Too much projection came from deeply insecure people that need to make me look like a pile of flaws. I don’t want to paint my bosses and people who hired me in a negative light. But today, they left me with no choice.

I am writing this to record my progress in my mental healing and to beat the symptoms of a mental illness I am currently struggling with.

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